No, Joan is not dead. However, my relationship to her is finished. For the history of this on-going problem, read this post of mine.
This week, Joan called me. I happened to be sleeping, so no conversation happened. Brian mentioned to me that Joan had made her own blog entry about how she broke off her engagement. It was the same old thing all over again. I was fed up. It was time to nip this in the bud. I sent her the following email:
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Joan,
I vaguely remember you calling me last night - about 8 seconds' worth. Once I mentioned it to Brian, he told me about your latest Xanga posting and it all made sense. It's not like me to kick a person when he's down, but I feel compelled to share some information with you. I'm choosing written words as the medium simply because it's the best way to express my thoughts.
Through the years, I thought that we had a fairly stable friendship. I had my crazy times, and you had yours. However, we seemed to 'get' each other. Even though I developed an attraction to you that you did not reciprocate, I believe our friendship grew. As I watched you go through other relationships, I chose several roles to play: jealous hopeful, protective big brother, cynic, etc. Finally, I decided to simply be your friend and love you through the mourning period of the last major breakup (the guy's name escapes me). Though the attraction lingered, your friendship is what I desired most from you.
Whether you realized it or not, you re-kindled the flame of romance when you told me about your confession to David, and thus to me. Our subsequent agreement to "see how things go" seemed to me like I was in the running. The news of your physical relationship with your Starbuck's co-worker was enough to allow God to finally speak to me regarding you. Thus, the conversation we had at the restaurant about my choice to not pursue you. This part may be my own fault, but I thought I might be the first consideration once you felt that God wanted you to pursue a relationship again. When you told me of your new relationship around Valentine's Day last year, I found my heart crushed again.
You have a pattern of reaching out to me only when a guy is involved - either a new start or a sad ending. Quite frankly, the series of events from November 2006 through February 2007 have completely removed any desire I might have to support you through such situations.. I can't imagine that you don't know anyone better suited to listen to these victories and defeats. In all honesty, I have absolutely no clue why you choose to call me on only these occasions. If I were optimistic, I might think that you really are in love with me. However, the chances of that are slim to none.
The one thing I do know is that I can't be that person for you anymore. My heart simply can't take it. I refuse to put myself in a situation where I'm tempted to get my hopes up again, even if encouraged by your actions, and risk you letting me down again. If I allow it, I will always take time out for you; I will think of you; I will sacrifice local opportunities for the hope of a long-distance something. I can't allow that. At this point, it's all or nothing. We are either a couple pursuing a marriage relationship or we are two people that have gone their separate ways. You should be able to guess my prediction of your choice.
Please don't misunderstand me. I don't bear you any ill will. Your actions frustrate and disappoint me. Yet, I wish you only the best. I suspect this is starting to sound a lot like what David had to say to you. If I were you, I would seriously consider what that means to you. Also, I encourage you to read this blog post of mine: http://www.theshinalls.com/node/174. It's a detailed account of our last phone call and how it affected me. It supplements this message very well.
All the best,
Jeremy
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I did receive a reply. For the sake of her privacy, I'm not going to post the entire email. Here are some snippets:
- "Quite frankly, you are very correct & very precise."
- "You were always a gentleman to me and I want to thank you for that."
- "we've definitely had our "ups" and "downs".. but one thing - you truly always showed me that you treasured me."
- "I'm sincerely thankful for who you are and what you've been to me.. I'll never forget you."
I'm not sure what I expected. It's definitely for the best that we part ways. Every time I have these encounters with her, it's like taking a step back. Thankfully, this will be the last time I have to "recover". I'm glad that she understands where I'm coming from. I believe I did what I could to be beneficial to her while guarding my own heart. I hope she finds what she's looking for. She'll have to do it without me.